Too Much

Being a Hermit is only good for so long and there are only so many times you can go exploring alone until you want someone to say things to. Like “look at that” “isn’t it the most beautiful day?” ” let’s go in here”. Saying these things to yourself can get very odd after some time.

Max makes me feel like a princess every-time we greet the world. After high-tea in Queen Victoria Building and an amazing meal beside a view of Darling Harbor I felt well and truly Romanced. Even now I cannot believe this time has been and gone like the dream it was. Our first night consisted of me hurling into a frenzy on cold and flu tablet overdose; trying to figure out if I was awake or asleep.

It seems like every time I spend with him I have taken for granted and then regretted afterward. But I don’t take it for granted, I just pain the fact that perhaps I didn’t spend enough time/show enough love/be there for him at every waking moment while I could. And I know next holiday to Perth will be the same. It will be me, frantically trying to be with everyone I consider important and then later regretting that I didn’t spend enough time with this person or that person.

Time goes past too quickly, and as you grow older it progresses faster. The times you enjoy lapse like it was never there and you finish where you began. These days I wonder about myself in the future. I also seem to be imagining people in adulthood more often than not. I see my brother smile in a photo and see him as a man all of a sudden. I see my friends and stare – transforming their faces foreword to when they might be married with children. It is spooky that I too am now considered a ‘lady’ a ‘woman’ who lives in her own home, cleans her own house and cooks her own meals.

The time I spent with Max here was one of the best I have ever enjoyed with another. It is not everyday that you can find someone to connect to in such a free way, someone to share apples in eyes with that would do anything for you and you for them. Last night I went sleepwalking and returned to bed frantically feeling around in the dark, searching for his form. It wasn’t there, he wasn’t there and I remembered he was gone. My heart sank and I realized that I miss him already – too much.