Revelation-Seeking Crisis

It is always important to remember not to change yourself for anyone. 

What inspires me may not necessarily inspire the common public.

Hell, what I design might not even sell – but it makes me happy. 

And this I conclude from about 3 weeks of self torment.

A revelation-seeking crisis.

Fuckin’ Doormat

If I wasn’t such an internal person I should probably be yelling at someone or something. But the deal is that I go out of my way to visit friends I haven’t seen in ages  because I miss them. I also had done an artwork for one of them and was very excited to give the print to her. I came back from a going away party early to make sure I could make it to their house. I even rang up to double check they would be awake/there when I arrived as it was a 20 minute walk to get there. She was down the road at a friends house but said she would walk back to meet me.

I got there and was let into the house and fell asleep waiting for someone who didn’t actually come home at all. I just made the bed and left the artwork there this morning. Basically these are the times where I feel my energy is wasted on a rewardless result. I love giving to people and I go out of my way to be there for others when I can. But I just feel like a fuckin’ doormat.

Re-Start

 

I began following the hollywood rules

Laden with lies and vicious jewels

I gave myself up to love 

But never got my full wages

 

Should I have expected?

Is it right that when I devote I get neglected?

I found the cure to the fever

It is to drink and fall into a life meaningless

 

I tried this out once again

Never trust love – your fickle friend

But a friend is what it leaves me

I would give up and let anyone have me

 

I beg you just to let me touch

The hand of loathing has me in tight clutch

I would refuse the boy who would never

Tear me so I tear him

 

But now under this yellow moon

Nostalgia beckons and it croons

To make me remember all that love is and does

But I try and try again

Earthdick

Earthdance last year was the best weekend of my life. I found my third eye and soaked in the most blissful vibe of peace/love/unity/respect that I have ever experienced.

Unfortunately this year I was in a hurry to leave the ground that Earthdance was on in Sydney. It was the exact opposite of what this festival was supposed to be about. 

The area was a park in the city, fenced off and smeared with pigs. Most of the pigs had sniffer dogs that went through anything/everything/everyone. It was not a comfortable surrounding.

No drugs/alcohol/unsealed water-bottles/fun.

I saw no earth people – no culturally vibrant/artistic life-loving beings. Nobody was tripping either. The place was in fact full of bleach blonde skanks in short shorts showing off to the drunk shirtless guys wearing the matching faux 80’s sunnies (how I loathe thee).

I came and left as quickly as I could. This atmosphere depressed me. Humanity tends to depress me all the more every day. But I am a happy person I swear!

Bata’

I have finally settled into a small Samba band in Sydney – as I was feeling a lack of leisurely artistic involvement till now. Through this I was invited by my new friends Benny & Rana to practice ‘Bata’ drumming every monday night. We have been involved in these sessions the last three weeks and last night we had a visitor join us for some more intense and recorded fun!

I met Walter through my old Perth samba band – Beleza. He is a great percussionist and a very influential example – there are a lot of people in that band I look up to. Lately he has travelled from WA to NSW and is continuing up the coast in about a week. 

I was inspired to write about this because I have fallen in love with samba and percussion over the last 18 months. To play percussion with a wealth of people is a bond and a feeling that is so different from that of playing my bass guitar/viola. It becomes a trance.

You must close your eyes and your mind and just experience the natural phenomenon of that which is your subconscious controlling your hands. It is almost magical when you are slapping on a hide so fast you don’t know what you are doing anymore. It is something I relate to dance in that – the physical energy and the soul you put into it is so surreal and so uncontrollable.

The Universe

“To know peace man has to experience conflict. He has to go through the heroic stage before he can act as a sage. He has to be a victim of his passions before he can rise above them. To arouse man’s passionate nature, to hand him over to the devil  and put him to the supreme test, there has to be a conflict involving something more than country, political principles, ideologies, etc. Man in revolt against his own cloying nature – that is real war. And that is a bloodless war which goes on for ever, under the peaceful name of evolution. In this war man ranges himself once and for all on the side of the angels. Though he may, as individual, be defeated, he can be certain of the outcome – because the whole universe is with him.”

- Henry Miller

I wonder about evolution.

I wonder how the world will end.

Which war will be the last?

High Spirits

Today is my brothers 21st.

I am really proud of him, he is one of my best friends who I know I can trust. He has accomplished so many things and is constantly discovering new passions and working hard towards his ambitions. He has been a perfect role model for me growing up and we have had some wonderful times. I am so flattered that he often includes me amongst his friends and they do too. 

His party is happening this weekend and everyone is very excited! I have brainstormed ideas for all the interior decorating and have been making chandeliers out of rusty bike wheels and cutlery. We are using cracked toilets and old sinks as eskies and managed to pick up some red carpet style cinema poles for the entrance. ‘Indie Trash’ theme means I am gonna be whipping out the leotard and whipping out the moves, and hopefully not procrastinating writing his speech anymore. Off too it. I am in HIGH spirits these days.

Holiday

I have been dry-retching emotion the day I landed

Hopefully I can throw up and feel better the day I fly back

Letting Go

I am finding it hard to forgive myself.

I did things I never thought I would out of sickness and desporation.

Max is right, always right.

It is not about who you know, it is about working hard for your goals.

Setting small achievable goals which lead up to the dream.

Sydney can be inspiring and Sydney can be horribly fake.

I don’t know what to do anymore because Whitehouse is just a name and a bunch of wank.

I need to save up money to begin and in living on my own over there I can’t. I have nothing.

I don’t know what to do anymore. My eyes are open and in denial.

Coughing up Blood

The last two days has given me so much fear.

The report on the x-rays will be revealed tomorrow.

Here is to hope.