Re-Start

 

I began following the hollywood rules

Laden with lies and vicious jewels

I gave myself up to love 

But never got my full wages

 

Should I have expected?

Is it right that when I devote I get neglected?

I found the cure to the fever

It is to drink and fall into a life meaningless

 

I tried this out once again

Never trust love – your fickle friend

But a friend is what it leaves me

I would give up and let anyone have me

 

I beg you just to let me touch

The hand of loathing has me in tight clutch

I would refuse the boy who would never

Tear me so I tear him

 

But now under this yellow moon

Nostalgia beckons and it croons

To make me remember all that love is and does

But I try and try again

Earthdick

Earthdance last year was the best weekend of my life. I found my third eye and soaked in the most blissful vibe of peace/love/unity/respect that I have ever experienced.

Unfortunately this year I was in a hurry to leave the ground that Earthdance was on in Sydney. It was the exact opposite of what this festival was supposed to be about. 

The area was a park in the city, fenced off and smeared with pigs. Most of the pigs had sniffer dogs that went through anything/everything/everyone. It was not a comfortable surrounding.

No drugs/alcohol/unsealed water-bottles/fun.

I saw no earth people – no culturally vibrant/artistic life-loving beings. Nobody was tripping either. The place was in fact full of bleach blonde skanks in short shorts showing off to the drunk shirtless guys wearing the matching faux 80’s sunnies (how I loathe thee).

I came and left as quickly as I could. This atmosphere depressed me. Humanity tends to depress me all the more every day. But I am a happy person I swear!

Bata’

I have finally settled into a small Samba band in Sydney – as I was feeling a lack of leisurely artistic involvement till now. Through this I was invited by my new friends Benny & Rana to practice ‘Bata’ drumming every monday night. We have been involved in these sessions the last three weeks and last night we had a visitor join us for some more intense and recorded fun!

I met Walter through my old Perth samba band – Beleza. He is a great percussionist and a very influential example – there are a lot of people in that band I look up to. Lately he has travelled from WA to NSW and is continuing up the coast in about a week. 

I was inspired to write about this because I have fallen in love with samba and percussion over the last 18 months. To play percussion with a wealth of people is a bond and a feeling that is so different from that of playing my bass guitar/viola. It becomes a trance.

You must close your eyes and your mind and just experience the natural phenomenon of that which is your subconscious controlling your hands. It is almost magical when you are slapping on a hide so fast you don’t know what you are doing anymore. It is something I relate to dance in that – the physical energy and the soul you put into it is so surreal and so uncontrollable.

The Universe

“To know peace man has to experience conflict. He has to go through the heroic stage before he can act as a sage. He has to be a victim of his passions before he can rise above them. To arouse man’s passionate nature, to hand him over to the devil  and put him to the supreme test, there has to be a conflict involving something more than country, political principles, ideologies, etc. Man in revolt against his own cloying nature – that is real war. And that is a bloodless war which goes on for ever, under the peaceful name of evolution. In this war man ranges himself once and for all on the side of the angels. Though he may, as individual, be defeated, he can be certain of the outcome – because the whole universe is with him.”

- Henry Miller

I wonder about evolution.

I wonder how the world will end.

Which war will be the last?

High Spirits

Today is my brothers 21st.

I am really proud of him, he is one of my best friends who I know I can trust. He has accomplished so many things and is constantly discovering new passions and working hard towards his ambitions. He has been a perfect role model for me growing up and we have had some wonderful times. I am so flattered that he often includes me amongst his friends and they do too. 

His party is happening this weekend and everyone is very excited! I have brainstormed ideas for all the interior decorating and have been making chandeliers out of rusty bike wheels and cutlery. We are using cracked toilets and old sinks as eskies and managed to pick up some red carpet style cinema poles for the entrance. ‘Indie Trash’ theme means I am gonna be whipping out the leotard and whipping out the moves, and hopefully not procrastinating writing his speech anymore. Off too it. I am in HIGH spirits these days.

Holiday

I have been dry-retching emotion the day I landed

Hopefully I can throw up and feel better the day I fly back

Letting Go

I am finding it hard to forgive myself.

I did things I never thought I would out of sickness and desporation.

Max is right, always right.

It is not about who you know, it is about working hard for your goals.

Setting small achievable goals which lead up to the dream.

Sydney can be inspiring and Sydney can be horribly fake.

I don’t know what to do anymore because Whitehouse is just a name and a bunch of wank.

I need to save up money to begin and in living on my own over there I can’t. I have nothing.

I don’t know what to do anymore. My eyes are open and in denial.

Coughing up Blood

The last two days has given me so much fear.

The report on the x-rays will be revealed tomorrow.

Here is to hope.

He sits there clambering against the window in his hat and dark sunglasses. Walking cane between his decaying hair-infected legs he lets his hand fall – to inspect. The veins looked as though they were on the brink of bursting, a valley between them with a stream of concave scars, blotches and enormous moles hanging like a droplet in denial of a fall from the kitchen tap. He truly had become a monster, the smelly old man, the ogre that would sniff and slurp and hang his tongue out unwillingly. To be so old as to look in the mirror and feel that pit-stomach feeling when you remember what you were. For the next milestone in life to be death. What are your priorities now? When no one can bare to look at you or even sit next to you on a crowded bus. Do you fear this day? And would you sit next to me?

Too Much

Being a Hermit is only good for so long and there are only so many times you can go exploring alone until you want someone to say things to. Like “look at that” “isn’t it the most beautiful day?” ” let’s go in here”. Saying these things to yourself can get very odd after some time.

Max makes me feel like a princess every-time we greet the world. After high-tea in Queen Victoria Building and an amazing meal beside a view of Darling Harbor I felt well and truly Romanced. Even now I cannot believe this time has been and gone like the dream it was. Our first night consisted of me hurling into a frenzy on cold and flu tablet overdose; trying to figure out if I was awake or asleep.

It seems like every time I spend with him I have taken for granted and then regretted afterward. But I don’t take it for granted, I just pain the fact that perhaps I didn’t spend enough time/show enough love/be there for him at every waking moment while I could. And I know next holiday to Perth will be the same. It will be me, frantically trying to be with everyone I consider important and then later regretting that I didn’t spend enough time with this person or that person.

Time goes past too quickly, and as you grow older it progresses faster. The times you enjoy lapse like it was never there and you finish where you began. These days I wonder about myself in the future. I also seem to be imagining people in adulthood more often than not. I see my brother smile in a photo and see him as a man all of a sudden. I see my friends and stare – transforming their faces foreword to when they might be married with children. It is spooky that I too am now considered a ‘lady’ a ‘woman’ who lives in her own home, cleans her own house and cooks her own meals.

The time I spent with Max here was one of the best I have ever enjoyed with another. It is not everyday that you can find someone to connect to in such a free way, someone to share apples in eyes with that would do anything for you and you for them. Last night I went sleepwalking and returned to bed frantically feeling around in the dark, searching for his form. It wasn’t there, he wasn’t there and I remembered he was gone. My heart sank and I realized that I miss him already – too much.